there in the stairwell of a fourth floor walk up
dark walls and a hallow silence
city buzzing outside the building door
and two lives falling apart on the inside
stuck in the hallway
afraid to open the door
the door to the truth of this brokenness
the door to the mirror of my mistakes
the door leading to the floor….of it all
the door to falling apart years before dying
halfway across the world miles from comfort
in a strangers house
two lovers felling like strangers for the first time
because a stranger made them strange
dark. empty. cold.
the bathroom tiles feel like ice to skin
when the bathroom counter once burned with passion
lying on the floor in a pool of pain
regret. remorse. guilt.
seven summers have passed since that moment
that summer it didnt last it torments
and the busy streets
in the place we’d meet
still feel as empty and that fourth floor walk up
ecclesiastes 1:18
for in much wisdom is much vexation and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow…
ok so not too long ago i stated that ignorance, in my book, isnt bliss rather just stupidity.
im wrong…..whoa….those words are hard to say lol
solomon sought out all pleasures and all things lofty.
he dined with dames,
laid with ladies,
sought substances for enlightenment,
led lands,
and was wise beyond wealth.
and yet in all the time he spent fulfilling his flesh he learned one great lesson…
without God his soul was never satisfied.
Now this all seems right and just to me. I too have lived in my flesh…giving in to every sinful desire that has arisen. I understand how empty one can be living a life like that. I have been in fullness and in want, both physically and spiritually. Ive noticed that no matter how lowly my life becomes, how dark my despair is, my spirit seeks Truth for comfort. Once I find HIM I find peace.
Conversely, when I have lived in plenty with money to spend without thinking and all success the world strives for…when ive been surrounded with an “elite” crowd and am fleshly satisfied in every way, without Him I still feel empty.
Do you think its a coincidence that the most joyous of people are those singing praises to God in the dirt that is their home in some third world country? I think not.
So now back to the verse…
Ive also spent many years praying for wisdom, seeking out a knowledge that far surpasses my minds own capabilities. I’ve cried out to God to show me….show me what lies beyond. I feel like, just as Solomon writes, that the more I know the more sorrow I know also.
This is a hard concept to grasp, let alone explain, but it rings true.
The wiser one becomes, the more easily one can get very annoyed at the complexity of it all.
I get frustrated so easily that others dont understand, dont have knowledge or even seek it. Dont care to be wise. Accepting ignorance.
Im not saying IN ANY WAY that there is a loftiness that comes with knowledge and wisdom….if anything, gaining those makes one loose themselves.
I am saying though that I can now imagine what frustrations great thinkers like Eddison, Einstein, even Gates must have felt. When my brain gets wrapped around a thought that is so deep it begins to hurt, and I try to speak of these things with those I love, and they dont get it….I feel stuck.
When I try to walk in wisdom and understanding…when I seek integrity and honesty and purity and others dont get it….I feel stuck.
More wisdom is more sorrow.
More knowledge is more frustration.
More money is more problems.
So how does one balance a simple life and still a smart one?
Is it wiser to live more simply and not think so deeply?
Not seek out more knowledge?
If so then the whole cycle begins again and my brain begins to bleed….
all over again….
dang you Solomon.
the cold sweeps over my face
the covers keep me cozy
my dogs breath warms my cheek
and i dont want to move.
i want to lie in bed for hours and think of nothing
i dont want to shower
or shave…. i really dont want to shave
and i dont want to face the day
thank you God for this day called today
thank you for a home to wake up in
a bed to stay well in
and a pets love to comfort me
thank you for the tasks of the day that beckon me
working…that i have a job
dishes…that ive had food to eat
getting ready…that i am clothed
thank you for the things that I oftentimes dread
and this day…i dread them
im blessed in my home and find peace here
i want to lie with the Lord all day here
on this hill…
slowly pushing my way towards the mountaintop
away from the valley
refusing the valley
deserting the valley
for places greater
and higher
and more lovely
and those places are here….home.
where the soul finds rest and the heart is whole.
where coffee and a blog keep constant company
and the Spirit fills space…singing
the day is long
the nights are restless
and a woman doing her work braves it all.
these moments of still quiet…
before the breaking of the dawn…
before life really lives
grace and peace abound and the cup fills
in these early moments the cup fills…
so that it may be poured out.
yeeessss! im such a #hopeful #romantic
umm…yeah….
