this is me...
all of who i am on this internet machine for your viewing. my hope is that you may be inspired by all that God has placed in me:


pretty much anything i love..which is generally anything creative :)

there in the stairwell of a fourth floor walk up

dark walls and a hallow silence

city buzzing outside the building door

and two lives falling apart on the inside

stuck in the hallway

afraid to open the door

the door to the truth of this brokenness

the door to the mirror of my mistakes

the door leading to the floor….of it all

the door to falling apart years before dying

halfway across the world miles from comfort

in a strangers house

two lovers felling like strangers for the first time

because a stranger made them strange

dark. empty. cold. 

the bathroom tiles feel like ice to skin

when the bathroom counter once burned with passion

lying on the floor in a pool of pain

regret. remorse. guilt. 

seven summers have passed since that moment

that summer it didnt last it torments

and the busy streets

in the place we’d meet

still feel as empty and that fourth floor walk up

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(via anthropologie)

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ecclesiastes 1:18  

for in much wisdom is much vexation and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow…

ok so not too long ago i stated that ignorance, in my book, isnt bliss rather just stupidity.

im wrong…..whoa….those words are hard to say lol

solomon sought out all pleasures and all things lofty.

he dined with dames, 

laid with ladies, 

sought substances for enlightenment, 

led lands, 

and was wise beyond wealth. 

and yet in all the time he spent fulfilling his flesh he learned one great lesson…

without God his soul was never satisfied. 

Now this all seems right and just to me. I too have lived in my flesh…giving in to every sinful desire that has arisen. I understand how empty one can be living a life like that. I have been in fullness and in want, both physically and spiritually. Ive noticed that no matter how lowly my life becomes, how dark my despair is, my spirit seeks Truth for comfort. Once I find HIM I find peace. 

Conversely, when I have lived in plenty with money to spend without thinking and all success the world strives for…when ive been surrounded with an “elite” crowd and am fleshly satisfied in every way, without Him I still feel empty.

Do you think its a coincidence that the most joyous of people are those singing praises to God in the dirt that is their home in some third world country? I think not. 

So now back to the verse…

Ive also spent many years praying for wisdom, seeking out a knowledge that far surpasses my minds own capabilities. I’ve cried out to God to show me….show me what lies beyond. I feel like, just as Solomon writes, that the more I know the more sorrow I know also. 

This is a hard concept to grasp, let alone explain, but it rings true. 

The wiser one becomes, the more easily one can get very annoyed at the complexity of it all. 

I get frustrated so easily that others dont understand, dont have knowledge or even seek it. Dont care to be wise. Accepting ignorance. 

Im not saying IN ANY WAY that there is a loftiness that comes with knowledge and wisdom….if anything, gaining those makes one loose themselves. 

I am saying though that I can now imagine what frustrations great thinkers like Eddison, Einstein, even Gates must have felt. When my brain gets wrapped around a thought that is so deep it begins to hurt, and I try to speak of these things with those I love, and they dont get it….I feel stuck. 

When I try to walk in wisdom and understanding…when I seek integrity and honesty and purity and others dont get it….I feel stuck. 

More wisdom is more sorrow. 

More knowledge is more frustration. 

More money is more problems. 

So how does one balance a simple life and still a smart one?

Is it wiser to live more simply and not think so deeply? 

Not seek out more knowledge?

If so then the whole cycle begins again and my brain begins to bleed….

all over again….

dang you Solomon. 

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the cold sweeps over my face

the covers keep me cozy

my dogs breath warms my cheek

and i dont want to move. 

i want to lie in bed for hours and think of nothing

i dont want to shower

or shave…. i really dont want to shave

and i dont want to face the day

thank you God for this day called today

thank you for a home to wake up in

a bed to stay well in

and a pets love to comfort me

thank you for the tasks of the day that beckon me

working…that i have a job

dishes…that ive had food to eat

getting ready…that i am clothed

thank you for the things that I oftentimes dread

and this day…i dread them

im blessed in my home and find peace here

i want to lie with the Lord all day here

on this hill…

slowly pushing my way towards the mountaintop

away from the valley

refusing the valley

deserting the valley

for places greater

and higher

and more lovely

and those places are here….home. 

where the soul finds rest and the heart is whole. 

where coffee and a blog keep constant company

and the Spirit fills space…singing

the day is long

the nights are restless

and a woman doing her work braves it all.

these moments of still quiet…

before the breaking of the dawn…

before life really lives

grace and peace abound and the cup fills

in these early moments the cup fills…

so that it may be poured out. 

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yeeessss! im such a #hopeful #romantic

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